Title: "Diamond Dick" Mulder: An Accidental Round Robin
Authors: The Fandomonium Mostly-Over-the-Hill Gang
Author names and individual emails will be listed at the end of the story.
Feedback: spank.diamonds.monkey @ gmail.com
Rating: Adults ONLY for language, imagery and just plain naughtiness. Please read and spew responsibly.
Category: AU XF/western crossover badfic! It's a whole new genre. They don't come much badder than this.
Setting: AU in the Old West due to circumstances beyond anyone's control.
Summary: The men all thought his nickname was because of his fancy clothes and diamond stick pin. The women all knew better.
Keywords: How does "run for the hills" sound to you?
Archive: Please don't without permission. We'll give it a home and keep it safe.
Disclaimer: It really wasn't anyone's fault, it just sort of happened. Oops. Wrong disclaimer. The characters in
this story are loosely based on the ones created by CC and company but probably bear a resemblance in name only. No money has changed hands during the writing of this fic, although several people laughed their way to better health. They just couldn't help it, so don't blame them.
Background: PLEASE READ: See, it all started in a Pet Peeves thread at Fandomonium when Anubis said she hated to read fic where the author claims "Mulder's, er, dick [is] 'so hard it could cut diamonds'." That's when siggy nicknamed him "Diamond Dick" Mulder. The meanest honcho west of the Pecos." banlu objected to that, inquiring "But wouldn't he be the *hardest* honcho west of the Pecos?" At which point mimic117 declared that siggy should write a story and posted, "The men all thought he was called that because of his fancy clothes and diamond stick pin. The women all knew better." emily sim replied, "It was a rare woman who could take him more than once in a night, and so he found himself with an ever-growing harem as word spread." mimic117 came back with, "Then he met Dana 'Siberia' Scully, the coldest woman in town, and he was a goner. Five foot two with hair that blazed like a brush fire and cerulean blue eyes that could cut a man off at the knees from twenty paces. He knew he'd met his match."
And the rest, dear readers, is now Fandomonium history.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Diamond Dick" Mulder: An Accidental Round Robin
**Anubis**
"Diamond Dick" Mulder was an outlaw;
"Diamond Dick" was "fast on the draw;"
He was mean and nasty;
He didn't realize he'd been holding his breath until he had
to breathe again. Standing in the midst of the fiery
inferno, Dick's eyes were welded like an iron cattle-guard
on a locomotive engine to the perfectly-rounded globes of
Dana's porcelain breasts, which rode magnificently high
on her chest, like a young girl's, her pert, taut nipples
heaving as she surveyed him with her ice blue orbs. His
own normally hazel-colored eyes changed colors about
every two seconds as he stared at her; first to primary
colors and then, second, to secondary colors, but also
occasionally to colors in-between. Some made the
mistake of calling his eye color "teal," but nothin' got Dick
harder 'n meaner than someone calling his eyes that
pansy-ass color. He'd killed many a man (and sheep) for
far less.
NOTE: FWIW, Climax and Intercourse, Texas,
*do* exist, and they *are* just down the road from each
other, and are somewhere in the vicinity of Venus.
**jowrites** Dick felt himself go even harder as the One
Armed Man threw his arms possessively around Doc Ice's
waist. "You want me to whack him?" asked Sheriff
Skinner, a tall, bronzed god of a man with eyes like
oreos, just the dark cookie bit; he kept the sweet soft
center hidden deep inside.
"Diamond Dick's" heart skipped a beat as his blood went
south, and he wished he'd taken his medicine like his
doctor ordered. If he had a doctor like her, maybe he
would. But he was a wild man, out of control, bent on a
path of self-destruction and debauchery, and no woman could
tame him.
She kicked back with her stiletto heel, slamming an elbow
into old One Arm's ribs. "Sorry, Alex," she said, "it's time
'Diamond Dick' here learned the meaning of ice." Dick felt
his balls tighten. "And you," she said, focusing her
sapphire lasers on his mighty crotch, "stop feeling
yourself."
**Anubis** "Oh, I think *I* can handle his balls, Miss
Scully," interrupted the saloon-mistress temptress, whose
name was Vi. Vi A'Gra was a tall, leggy, brunette woman-
of-the-world, a worldly woman and womanly worldly in
her worldly, womanly ways. She could keep a man going
for forty-eight hours, but also knew that doing so could
cause a man problems and he'd have to see the town
doctor, unless he just really got off on long-lasting
"occasions" that wouldn't go away and couldn't be
satisfied, no matter what.
Vi sidled up to Dick, pressing her voluptuous body -- but
nowhere near as voluptuous as Dana "Siberia", because,
after all, no one, and I mean, NO ONE, could really
measure up to the Ice Queen -- against Dick's throbbing
member.
"GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU HARLOT!" Dana shouted,
back-handing Vi violently, Vi's violet eyes watering away
as she fell onto what was left of the sawdust-covered
saloon floor, hitting her head on the brass spittoon,
thereby knocking her up, er, out of contention for the
attentions of "Diamond Dick."
She patently ignored both the town loony, One-Armed
Alex *and* Sheriff Skinner's oreo-colored eyes, now
milky with tears at her rejection.
**siggy** "Why, Miz Scully, you sure are purty," Dick
drawled as he attempted to swagger towards her. It was
proving difficult, him being so hard 'n all. He settled for a
slightly less manly lurch, opting for comfort over
machismo.
Grabbing him by his gold belt buckle in the shape of a
large X "Siberia" Scully impaled him with her arctic gaze, "
You know what I did to the last hombre that called me
'purty'?" she asked, her voice slow and thick, like
molasses. 'God damned allergies,' she thought.
"Nope" Yes, Dick was a real smooth talker when he had to
be.
"I shot him. It's 'PRETTY' you shit-kicking moron. When
will you idiots learn to speak English?"
**Anubis** "I got my book learnin' in Ox's Ford, Miz
Scully." Dick leaned towards her, his manly manhood
grazing her breasts (he was that much taller than her.
Really!). "You're purty pretty, Miz Scully." He leered at
her suggestively, almost tripping over Vi's body and the
over-turned spittoon that was spitting out its spilt
contents, or, spilling out its spit contents, depending
entirely on your point of view, of course. (Either way, it
was crap to get off yer boots.)
"Ya know," Sheriff Skinner interjected, his commanding
oreo eyes crumbling in despair at Siberia's obvious
ogling interest in "Diamond Dick's" diamond-cutting
dick, "I could just throw you in the callaboose for what
yer thinkin' about Miz Scully here!"
Dick turned his sometimes-but-not-always-hazel-colored
eyes on the sheriff. "I think it's plausible that someone
thinks she's purty pretty *and* hot. Surely you know
that, sheriff!"
"Of *course* I'm hot, you idiot." Siberia raised one fatal
eyebrow at him. "The damned saloon's on fire!"
"Yes, I know she's hot, Dick," Sheriff Skinner rasped and
coughed at him through the smoke. "And don't call me
'Shirley.'"
"How dare you!" Siberia screamed at the sheriff and
slapped him silly. "I am *not,* nor do I have, a 'hot dick,'
regardless of the rumors spread around town about me
by the Holy Sisters of Charity Order Union #1013 of the
Sacred Sepulcher of the Virgin Ladies' Circle of Quilting!"
**siggy** Dick caught ahold of Siberia and pulled her to
his manly chest. "Look little lady, I don't much mind what
you have under those frilly skirts of yours. My pant leg is
on fire. Have you any idea how hard it is to get pants with
a reinforced crotch? I have to send away to Pittsburgh for
'em and they don't come cheap. So, how about you and
me moseying on out of here?"
Dick's eyes blazed. He knew a euphemism when he
heard one. They strolled out of the saloon, leaving Sheriff
Skinner to drag the still-insensate Vi from the raging
inferno. "No one ever offers to let me stick my leg in their
trough," he muttered under his breath, wincing as yet
another molar shattered under the pressure of his manly
clenched jaw. "Aww shit." Yep, it was back to that bastard
barber, Kersh, for some more dental work.
**Anubis** Sheriff Skinner cracked another molar when
he heard "Diamond Dick" whisper, in a loud stage voice
that could be heard all the way to Wells-Fargo, "Don't
know which one I wanna do first with you, Little Lady:
ride point, or ride drag, if you know what I mean (and I
think you do). Let's go somewhere and blast the crap out
of each other, if you know what I mean (and I think you
do.)"
Skinner just wanted to fill his hand and blast the crap
outta somethin', too, but it was kinda hard to do with the
Harlot Vi in his arms and his eyes and nose full of smoke.
Maybe he shouldn't wear those crotch-less chaps
anymore. They didn't do a *thing* for his figure, anyway.
But they *did* allow him quick and easy access to his
own manly attributes.
Out on the boardwalk, he dropped the Harlot Vi in an
undignified heap, her hoop skirts riding up and leaving
nothing to the imagination, drawing quite a crowd of male
admirers, not to mention some transvestite saloon "girls,"
that Vi would charge two bits for under other
circumstances. But given she was out like she got kicked
in the head by a brass spittoon, she really didn't have
anything to say about the matter.
What had made Sheriff Skinner stop in his crotch-less,
dusty, smoky, molar-cracking steps in the street, other
than the pile of horse crap he'd just stepped in, was the
sight that greeted him right on the edge of Climax.
Riding in was one of the filthiest, dirtiest, nastiest,
mangiest, most vile group of villains that rode the West.
It was -- *gasp!* -- The Lone Gunmen! Skinner wondered
about their mathematical abilities considering that "lone"
meant alone, or one, and "gunmen" was plural, but he
really didn't have time to worry about that. He just
wanted to get back to his office and board the place up,
being that he was the *only* lawman in town and there
was *no way* he could take on all three of them: Mad
Shorty Frohike, Kid Ringo Langly and Dandy John Byers.
**siggy** The three riders pulled up in front of Sheriff
Skinner. "We're lookin' fer 'Diamond Dick' Mulder. You seen him?"
the short mean-looking one asked. "By the way Sheriff,
you do realize that yer wearing crotch-less pants?"
"Well shit Fro' I think he looks totally gnarly," the Blond
one said dropping out of the local vernacular.
Skinner gave the Blond gunman a lingering look. Maybe
the day wasn't going to be a total write-off after all.
"'Diamond Dick's' over yonder, he's the fella with his leg
in the trough," he said, pointing. "I'll thank you to mind
your own business when it comes to my pants." He
snarled, then fluttered his eyelashes coquettishly at
Langly.
The three men sauntered over to Dick who was examining
the uvula of a feisty-looking redhead.
"My lord, Siberia, you're one hell of a woman." He
moaned into her mouth.
"You bet I am, don't you go listening to those Nuns, and
for Pete's sake don't talk into my mouth like that, it's
disgusting and you don't enunciate properly. Jesus."
"'Diamond Dick' Mulder?" The cultured tones of John "The
Dandy" Byers interrupted their romantic interlude.
"Yep, that's me. Who wants to know?"
"We're the Lone Gunmen," the three of them said in
unison.
"Errm, you do know that you've got your tenses all
wrong?" Siberia interjected in her usual pedantic way.
Frohike gave her a look of half-crazed lust. "That ain't
the only thing that's tense around here," he said with a
leer.
"We know who has your sister," Byers interrupted
dramatically.
Mulder's eyes narrowed and his rugged face paled. "My
sister was taken by the faeries or by starlight or
something equally improbable, my Momma told me."
"Faeries!?" snorted Siberia. "You're really not that bright
are you, Dick?"
"Lady, with a dick like mine, who need brains?" Dick
grinned, stupidly.
"Excuse me," Byers said impatiently, annoyed that his big
dramatic moment had been lost. "About your sister? We
know who has her."
"Who?" chorused the entire cast apart from the Lone
Gunmen, of course.
"Why it's the Mayor of this very town. It's that black-
lunged son-of-a-bitch, Mayor Spender."
**OkayVal** Everybody gasped and Siberia stopped
giving Frohike the eye and turned a dozen shades of red,
crimson, titian and scarlet, all at once.
"Mayor Spender?" Mulder bellowed. "Why, that smoking
son-of-a-bitch! Where is he?"
"Now hold on, Dick, don't get your shorts in a bunch,"
Skinner said.
"Hey, what goes on inside my pants is none of yer damn
business," Mulder replied, somewhat miffed.
"I just think that we need to find out if these boys have
the real goods, is all," Skinner replied.
"I think they have the goods, alright," said Siberia,
moving closer to Frohike, who was practically drooling at
this point. "I'm the only one here qualified to question
them and I'll find out everything they know."
"Hey, wait a minute," Mulder called after her as she
sashayed off with Frohike. "What's he got that I ain't?"
"A pair of chaps, you idiot. Do you know how that dick of
yours would look if you were wearing chaps?" She rolled
her eyes at him and turned back to Mad Shorty, who she
knew would make up for his lack of size in other ways.
**Obfusc8er** "Diamond Dick" sauntered over to the
palpating pair. It seemed that Siberia Scully was melting in
the arms of the Lone Gunman, having totally forgotten to
ask him anything. She poured herself over the tiny man like
a spring gulleywasher. "Diamond Dick's" eyes finally quit
changing colors and settled on green.
"Mister, get your grubby half-fingered mitts off of her, or I'm
a-callin' you out."
Scully cradled Mad Shorty's rugged, unshaven visage in her
hands, which, in their ravenous exploration, had somehow
ended up wearing Frohike's gloves.
"Don't do it," she pleaded. "He's the fastest draw in these
parts."
Frohike gazed up at Scully and said, "Sorry, honeymuffin,
but I gotta do what a man's gotta do." He paused for her to
move aside. Then, Frohike took two steps forward and drew
himself up to full height, which was exactly eye-level with
"Diamond Dick's" crotch.
"I know you're the meanest, toughest, rootin'-tootin'est man
in this town, but you're making a terrible mistake. Just
because I'm short doesn't mean I can't handle myself. Your
eagerness to draw may be...premature."
"Doesn't matter," Mulder replied. "Either me or you has to
leave. Even with Ms. Scully and Vi A'gra, Climax ain't big
enough for the both of us."
There was tension in the air, and testosterone. So much
testosterone, in fact, that the top two buttons popped off of
Scully's dress, exposing more of her heaving bosom. Now
she had another pair of glowing orbs pointed straight at
Mulder.
"Stand back, Ms. Scully. This could get dangerous."
"Oh, I can't bear to watch!" she exclaimed, and buried her
sobs in Sheriff Skinner's chest.
"Okay, gentlemen," Skinner boomed in his burly, baritone
voice as he held Scully in his gentle, yet manly, arms. "You
know the rules. Ten paces, turn, and draw."
Everyone in town scattered from the street, leaving it empty.
Mulder walked slowly to the middle and waited as the
smaller, hairier man followed. But when Mulder turned
around, Mad Shorty had been joined by his odd cadre.
"This is a duel. As in two. You can't all be out here."
"Well, it's that whole grammatical problem," Byers
explained. "Even though we are plural Gunmen, we're still
considered Lone as a group..."
"Whatever," Mulder said. "Let's get on with it."
"Backs together," called Sheriff Skinner.
There was some jostling and jockeying for position before
the four men managed to get all of their backs together.
"When I count to ten, turn and fire."
All four men's heads bobbed in acknowledgement.
"One...two...three..."
"Diamond Dick" moved with cavalier calm, his hands poised
to draw, but inside him, the tension was building with each
step.
Scully gasped, sensing the amazing control this task
required of Mulder.
"Four...five...six..."
More tension. Building.
"Seven...eight..."
Building.
"Nine..."
Until "Diamond Dick" was ready to burst.
"TEN!"
Mulder whipped around. The Gunmen never saw it coming.
The reinforced crotch ripped right out of Diamond Dick's
decidedly chapless pants, flying through the air and knocking
down the Lone Gunmen like so many bowling pins. Mulder
had never even moved his hands
Scully screamed in delight.
Mulder grunted.
Climax had once again achieved balance. The whole town
seemed to glow.
Scully rushed out to "Diamond Dick" and wrapped her arms
around him, sealing their respective pouty lips together. The
Lone Gunmen walked dejectedly to the nearest saloon to
drown their troubles as the happy couple remained in the
street. Mulder and Scully had to pause their oral explorations
long enough to breathe.
"You wanna go back to my place? My saloon, I mean," Scully
offered. "I could really use a cigarette..."
"That sounds like a fine idea, little Chuckwagon of Love. I'm
suddenly famished," he replied.
"Come with me, then..."
**siggy** The two of them strolled back over to the
saloon. Dick was feeling the evening chill now that a
substantial part of his pants had gone. Luckily the saloon
was still blazing away, which warmed him up no end.
"Darn it, I need a whiskey. Shooting off my crotch like
that always gives me a thirst," he said licking his oh-so-
pouty bottom lip
"Well, darlin', don't you worry, I have just the thing."
Siberia gave him a sultry smile and reached into her
ample alabaster cleavage and produced a bottle of 'Old
Gut Rot' the finest bourbon in the county.
"My, Siberia, you are just full of surprises," Dick said,
taking a swig of the russet liquid. .
"I told you not to go talking to those Nuns." She bristled.
"I meant the bourbon."
"Oh, well that's all right then."
Siberia looked down to where Dick's reinforced crotch had
once been and, licking her lips, she sashayed towards
him.
"Why are you walking like that?" Dick asked, puzzled.
"I'm sashaying, you twit. Have you never seen a woman
sashay before?"
"Nope, sorry. I thought you had some sort of bladder
problem."
Siberia sighed; she obviously needed some more work on
the sashaying. It looked as though she was going to have
to spend more money at the Bambi Berenbaum School of
Seductive Walking. " My bladder's just fine, but I'm
feeling a little peckish, if you know what I mean," she
said, eyeing his towering manhood.
"I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my pocket if
you'd like it," he offered.
"No, Dick I'm feeling more like licking a big salami." She
winked at him
"Have you got something in your eye?"
"Oh for crying out loud. Your dick! I'm talking about your
dick, you clueless cretin."
"Oh, riiight. Well in that case, my little cowpat of
loveliness, let's go on behind the barn and have an all-
you-can-eat buffet," Dick drawled.
"Now you're talking," Siberia said, drooling. "By the way,
did I mention that I can dislocate my jaw at will?"
"Yeeeeehaw!"
**OkayVal** As they got up to head for the barn, the
saloon door swung open and there stood Madam Diana,
the Foulest Woman in the West. She'd run the Henhouse
and was 'Diamond Dick's' main chickadee until Mayor
Spender ran her out of town, but nobody knew why. She
was an imposing figure with her dark hair and torpedo-
shaped breasts, which were pointing straight at Mulder.
"Who the hell are you?" Scully matched her snarl with
a icy stare. She wasn't called Siberia for nothing.
"Ask Dick here. Nice to see you again, Dick. Glad to
know some things haven't changed around here," she
said, switching from a snarl to a purr as she gazed
longingly at Dick's manhood.
"What brings you back here?" Mulder managed to
choke out. He didn't know whether to look at Diana's
torpedo chest or Scully's heaving orbs, so he swiveled
his head back and forth to stare at both, and it was
making him dizzy.
**emily sim** Diamond's dick grew impossibly larger,
thicker, and harder as Madame Diana took turns staring
down Siberia and his throbbing, pulsing manhood. She
kept licking those plump, juicy lips each time she turned
her brown eyes on him.
Siberia, not one to back down from a confrontation, didn't
flinch. Her cerulean blue eyes grew darker to match her
mood. Her perfect, heart-shaped mouth was pulled in a
grimace and her chest was heaving, moving those perfect
orbs in and out.
The saloon went silent, holding its breath, waiting to see
what would come of the confrontation.
Siberia pushed her sleeves up and widened her stance.
Diamond Dick's head was still swiveling from side to side.
The torpedo chest or the heaving orbs. What was a man
to do?
Madame Diana saw Siberia's stance and matched it.
It occurred to Diamond that if he was lying on the floor he
could have a great view up each woman's skirts. That
thought just made his hot rod of love jump in
anticipation.
A whistle came out of the silence. "Hot damn, fellas.
Look's like we's going get us a chick fight."
The saloon erupted with the sounds of scraping chairs as
scrawny men with much smaller dicks shoved tables out
of the way and pulled closer to the action. One fine
gentleman, who had most of his teeth, set up a betting
table over by the bar. Painted ladies were tossed off of
patrons laps and forced to the sidelines as the men
jockeyed for position.
Siberia, Madame Diana, and Diamond were oblivious to
the ruckus around them. Diamond had decided he
couldn't choose and was trying to figure out a way to
have both of them. He knew staying power wasn't a
problem. Diamond could go all night -- none of that once-
a-night-and-it's-all-over for this man. He looked up to
find the two women had moved closer to one another and
were now circling. What was this? Were they going to
fight over him? He looked around and saw the men circled
around, the painted ladies forming a ring against the wall.
Holy shit! A fucking chick fight. And, wouldn't you know
it, his dick got even harder and bigger.
Madame Diana's brown eyes were smoldering, and
Siberia's had gone from that clear cerulean he loved so
much to a slightly darker blue. He knew his own eyes
would be changing color, from green to gray and all sorts
of shades in between because he was so conflicted. He
couldn't let them go through with this! So many things
were going through his head! He needed post-it notes to
keep them all straight! A chick fight was sexy as hell but
what if they hurt each other so much they couldn't have
sex with him after? And on the heels of that thought, he
wondered how he could get the two of them interested in
a three-way when they were so pissed at each other.
Then again, he could just find a corner and grab ahold of
his throbbing manhood and take care of things himself
while he watched them paw each other. He wondered if
he suggested that they take it outside to the mud pit if
they'd be interested?
He placed his head in his hands, almost sobbing.
**Obfusc8er** Then he moved his hands up to his face.
**emily sim** What was he going to do?
**Anubis** It was at that EXACT moment that the
saloon doors swung open, the noise causing everyone in
the place to look up and away from the female spectacle
that was about to happen.
"What you oughta do, you idiots, is git outta here!" It was
Vi A'Gra again. She'd come, too (or was that "come to"?)
and had stumbled back towards the saloon and had
slammed the doors open with a "thwack," and there she
stood, having finally gotten up from the boardwalk, ass
full of splinters, a sizeable goose-egg on her head from
having had it hit the spittled spittoon in the first place,
the dimensions of which approximated the size of
"Diamond Dick's" dick (with spit on it). "The gall-durn
saloon's still on fire, ya know! Ain't none of you got any
heads?"
Every man, and woman, in the saloon looked down at
their own respective crotches, and at each others', just to
size themselves up against each other, the transvestite
saloon girls only bothering with looking in their own laps,
and occasionally, some people looked at Siberia in
curiosity. But "Diamond Dick" didn't have to look too far
down, thankfully. He was the biggest dick of 'em all.
"Ya know," Kid Ringo Langly said, scratching his oily blond
hair that hadn't seen a good washin' in darn near a coon's
age, "That's a hard question, grammur-'n-'rithmatick-wise
'n all."
"Yes," Dandy John Byers broke in. "Since we're the LONE
GunMEN, we technically have only two heads, but I know
from personal experience that I have two by myself. I
can't speak for my compadres here, though."
Melvin "Shorty" Frohike glared at him. "What th' HELL do
you mean by that, Dandy? Why, jus' th' other night,
'round the campfire, you looked deep into my beautiful
orbs an' told me that my -- "
"HEY!" Kid Ringo cut in, yelling at Dandy John. "You told
ME *I* was the ONLY one -- "
It was at that EXACT moment that the saloon burst into
an uproar, everyone blaming everyone else and
completely losing sight of the great chick fight that had
been about to happen, which really pissed off Siberia and
Madame Diana, who stood in the middle of things and
stamped their feet daintily, unintentionally putting out
small fires in what was left of the sawdust-covered floor.
It was at that EXACT moment that the fire and smoke got
caught in a backdraft, shooting flames that wuz just a-
lookin' fer more ox-ee-gin. The saloon doors chose that
EXACT moment to thwack back into their places with an
audible thwack, as much as they could, what with the fire
and smoke, the hinges bein' rusty 'n all, not to mention
nearly melted by the heat of the fire, and Vi's head being
in the way (and being a real gurl, Vi only had one head, if
you counted the one mounted on the top of her neck).
She was knocked flat back out onto the boardwalk,
garnering her ass a shitload bunch more splinters, by the
doors with a giant "thwack," her head hurting painfully,
and instantly starting to grow yet another gigantic lump,
her giant pet thwack waiting dutifully by her side.
It was at that EXACT moment that the men (and a few
saloon girls) ran to the boardwalk to get a look under her
skirt (something that was secretly tempting to Siberia,
too, though she'd never admit it openly, though her heart
was telling her she could use her credentials as a doctor
to use the excuse of getting the splinters out of Vi's ass to
look up her skirt, making her alabaster/porcelain orbs
heave even harder), making the head count in the saloon
a bit smaller, so to speak (which was no small feat,
considerin' "Diamond Dick's" manful presence). They'da
all tooken a chance at feelin' her up, but the growlin'
giant thwack by her side kept 'em all at arm's distance.
"Vi's right," came the calm, cool, collected sound of
another familiar voice. No one could see him because of
the smoke, so he stepped further into the inferno, taking
a puff from his hand-rolled cigarette, made with quality
Morley™©®, Ltd., PPL, a Limited Liability Partnership
tobacky, from the fine state of Kentucky (which may or
may not have been a state then, depending entirely on
what year this story was set), which really has nothing to
do with the story, but it's been put here because I
couldn't think of anything else to say about it right here.
It was at that EXACT moment that a collective gasp went
up around the saloon, not to mention inside it, which
brought on a major coughing fit from everyone due to
extensive smoke inhalation.
It was at that EXACT moment that Diamond Dick's eyes
narrowed and he immediately forgot about both Siberia
and Madame Diana -- which wasn't manful of him at all,
considerin' his size, length and girth, not to mention his
impressive reputation and Womanly Harem of the Golden
West that followed him around like sycophants (which
were distant relatives of elephants), and bore down on
the one man who could set him off faster'n anyone callin'
his eyes "teal."
"Whar's my sister, you cigarette-rollin'-smokin'-tobacky-
chewin'-sorry-ass-son-of-a-Siberian-biscuit-eater!"
"Diamond Dick" pulled back his fist to hit the wrinkled,
tobacco-stained face of Mayor Spender, but Spender
didn't even flinch.
Because he knew that Mulder could never reach him with
his fist. Not with his "Diamond Dick" between them,
anyways.
It was at that EXACT moment that Mayor Spender merely
smiled evilly, glanced at Siberia and then back to Dick.
"Much though I may have wanted to, I have never eaten
Siberia's biscuit." He threw his butt to what was left of the
floor, then got up and threw his cigarette butt to the floor
and pointlessly stomped out the lit end, especially since
the saloon was still burning around them. "And by the
way, I don't *chew* tobacco; that can give you prostRate cancer."
It was at that EXACT moment that Dick hardened under
the comment and threw another punch at the dastardly
Mayor, missing again, but catching the man in the
kneecap with his diamond dick.
"WHAR'S MY SISTER??!!" Dick roared in Climax, just
down the road from Intercourse (not far from the town of
Venus).
"Why, Mr. Mulder," Mayor Spender said in a low, even
tone, "what makes you think *I* have your sister? For all
I know, *you* could have "taken" her; you're certainly
capable of it, or so I've heard ... Fox."
It was at that EXACT moment that "Diamond Dick"
stopped in mid-thrust, er, lunge. "What'd you call me?"
"Fox," retorted Mayor Spender, as he reached for a bag of
smokin' tobacky and a paper roller from a package that
had a picture of a hippie and some strange five-pointed
leaf on its cover. "That *is* your real first name, isn't it ...
Fox?"
It was at that EXACT moment that, for the first time since
"Diamond Dick" reached Climax, his throbbing manhood
wasn't throbbing any longer. Only his *real* given name
had the power to kill his ardor.
"Aren't you wondering how I know your name ... your
*real* first name ... Fox?" Mayor Spender lit his cigarette
from a burning 2x4 he'd picked up that had fallen from
the ceiling onto a nearby table. He threw the 2x4 aside,
taking out a couple of drifters who'd been in Climax for
awhile, visiting with Vi A'Gra.
"Diamond Dick" Fox Mulder stared, open-mouthed, at
Mayor Spender, his gorgeous, pouty, swollen bottom lip
quivering for a change instead of his impressive
manhood. Dick nearly tumped over in shock.
"I know your *real* first name, Fox," Mayor Spender said,
"Because ..." he took a deep draw off of the cigarette and
blew out the smoke, further clouding the issues in the
blazing saloon.
**siggy** "Whoa, whoa, hang on a cotton picking
minute." The banshee tones of Diana broke in,
destroying a beautifully constructed moment of dramatic
tension. "What about me, huh? When do I get to have a
fully developed and rounded character with lots of
interesting back-story? Why do I just have to be the bitch
all the gosh darned time? Why?"
"Oh, shut the hell up, Diana," Sheriff Skinner snarled. "At
least you get to have sex once in a while and you don't
have to talk with your jaw permanently clenched. Have
you any idea how much that bastard barber, Kersh,
charges for reconstructive dental work? And he has even
less character development than you. So jus' stop your
whining, woman."
"Well, shit, Sheriff. I was only askin'."
"Ladies and gentlemen, if we could all focus on the matter
at hand," Spender oozed. "I believe that I was about to
reveal something about our dear friend Dick here."
"If you ask me he's revealed quite enough as it is," said a
voice that no one had heard before.
Everybody's head whipped round to see who had just
walked into the saloon giving themselves a nasty crick in
their respective necks. Siberia's eyes narrowed and her
pale, porcelain, alabaster skin went even paler until she
was almost translucent. "Well, if it isn't the Mother
Superior of the Holy Sisters of Charity Order Union #1013
of the Sacred Sepulcher of the Virgin Ladies' Circle of
Quilting," she hissed. (All in one breath too!)
"Yes, and how are you these days, my dear? Do you still
pee standing up?"
"Why you wimple-wearing hag, I oughta..." Siberia started
towards the smug, pinched face of the nun, her fist
raised.
Dick grabbed her by her upper arms and held her to him.
"No, Siberia, you can't go hitting a nun, it ain't right."
Dick said. Although he sort of liked the idea of the two
women in a cat fight, but the nun just hadn't got it in the
chest department and she was kinda old. Maybe if one of
the novices came along, now that might be fun.
"Let go of me Dick, you don't understand. She's no nun,
she's the head of an international consortium bent on
obtaining power at any cost. She's in league with that
cigarette-smoking bastard, Mayor Spender." Siberia
struggled in his manly grasp, her pert rounded globes
quivering in agitation.
"But that can't be true, my momma had one of their
quilts. She said they were the best gosh-darned quilts in
the whole world. My momma wouldn't lie to me."
"That's where you're wrong, Dick." The smug voice of the
Mother Superior cut in. " Your momma used to be Sister
Margaret Luke of the Immaculate Cross Stitch, one of our
finest nuns, and most effective agents."
"Well, shit," Dick drawled, his towering manhood
deflating, slowly.
**audu2**::insert throbbing organ music HERE::
**Tali** "Ma momma was an agent? Well that there
explains why she would nevah let me suckle when a was
just a young 'un. It's the reason I got me an or-al fix-a-
shun."
"But, Dick, you know how much I love your oral fix-a-
shun." Siberia wailed, eyeing up Dick's flagging man
parts.
**Obfusc8er** ::The entire fic should have throbbing
organ music...::
"And she almost single-handedly necessitated that the
Sisters of the Immaculate Cross-Stitch change the name
of their order," Spender added, taking a long, reflective
drag from yet another cigarette.
"You son-of-a-bitch!" yelled Mulder, his hands balled into
fists.
Spender approached Mulder, leaning forward with his
palms resting on a still-smoldering table.
"You would know," Spender replied, lighting another
cigarette from the nearby flaming drapes.
Mulder squared off against his foe from the opposite side
of the table, hackles raised. He growled and slammed his
hands on the wooden surface. His testosterone was
pumping again, and everyone in the room could feel it.
The table smoldered. Mulder smoldered. Scully and Diana
took turns smoldering and heaving their breasts.
Sensing that trouble was imminent, Sheriff Skinner made
a suggestion.
"Perhaps you two gentlemen would care to take this
outside."
Spender and Mulder nodded simultaneously -- and
proceeded to lift the table and carry it out the swinging
double doors. Just to prove his superior masculinity,
Mulder hefted his end of the table with his arms folded
across his chest. After having removed yet another fire
hazard, the men strode back into the saloon.
**emily sim** The fire was glinting off Siberia's perfect,
pale alabaster skin right into Madam Diana's eyes. It was
one of the benefits of having such lovely, smooth, pale skin,
which felt just like velvet when you touched it.
Diamond realized if he was going to get any he would need
to stop this nonsense between both these women right
away, but he still had Spender to deal with.
Spender was a horrible, nasty man. He was always smoking
those damn cigarettes and never seemed to cough. The men
stood two feet apart, their eyes flashing at each other. Of
course, Diamond's were now a deep brown, slightly speckled
with a touch of green, he was so angry.
It was obvious something was about to give. The room held
its breath and quite suddenly, Spender started to laugh.
"What the hell do ya'll find so funny, you black-lunged
cancer-stick smoking son-of-a-bitch?" Diamond's hands were
clenched in fists and tremors began to shake him.
"Oh Diamond, you stupid man. There is a perfect solution to
this climactic situation, one in which we can both have
resolution."
"You have two minutes to speak your piece you black-lunged
cancer --"
"Oh stop it. Look, I'll take one and you take the other. I kind
of like the dark-haired one with torpedo breasts. They sit so
perfectly atop her body and heave in such a symmetrical
way. And she's tall, with those long legs that I like so much."
Diamond was conflicted. Of course, this meant a
kaleidoscope of colors for his eyes as once again they began
to change from brown to hazel to green. Spender's words,
even though he hated the man with everything in him - and
he didn't trust him either - reminded him that he liked them
long-legged, brunette and torpedo-breasted. Of course, that
was before he met Siberia.
Diamond watched the two women, who were still circling
each other, their perfect breasts still heaving. He would
really like to have both of them but he would happily settle
for one right now. There was only one way to choose......
"Okay, we'll do rock, paper, scissors for them."
Spender motioned for Sheriff Skinner, who put himself
between both pairs of heaving breasts and called a halt to
the circling.
Spender and Diamond, whose poor dick was still flaccid and
lifeless, really a pathetic-looking thing with those now-
crotch-less pants, faced each other, hands at the ready.
Sheriff Skinner had both his hands full. He was taking the
job of holding both women apart seriously, and was
enjoying how each woman's breasts felt. His hands were
so big and so wide that he could actually touch both
breasts on both women at the same time. The two
women, normally independent and not likely to allow such
liberty, had been so turned-on with all their circling that
they didn't mind. Madame Diana's torpedoes had hard
little points, almost like diamonds, jutting out. Siberia's
were less pronounced, but just as hard.
Diamond began to count backwards. His eidetic memory
helped with this. He didn't need to look the numbers up
or anything. He could just recall them as if they were
written in front of him.
"Five, four, three, two, one."
Both men put their hands out. Diamond had chosen
paper, Spender had rock. Spender got first pick of the
women. Diamond was not happy with that at all. In fact,
he was so unhappy that his eyes were almost black, and
his pouty lip was pulled into a snarl. There was no way he
was letting that black-lunged son-of-a-bitch grab his girl.
He couldn't take a chance and have Spender choose
Siberia. Yes, Siberia. He realized, with a pang somewhere
south of his stomach, much further down than his belly
button, that he wanted her.
**Radikel** "Diamond Dick" instantly whistled for his
horse, Reticula, a massive gray stallion who curiously
appeared green in some lighting conditions.
His faithful steed clopped to his side, whereupon Dick
instantly mounted him. He then pulled Siberia up into the
saddle -- sidesaddle of course. After all, a lady must
maintain her dignity if she was off to roll in the hay with
"Diamond Dick" Mulder. She was crossing her fingers that
the only thing poking her in the ass would be the hay.
They set off in the direction (No! Not the erection!!) of the
barn. Siberia chanced a glance over her shoulder at the
Three Amigos, I mean The Lone Gunmen. They had
exited the saloon after hearing rumors that "Diamond
Dick" was taking her to the renowned "BARN".
"Dick, should we go back and explain to them our
undying lust? I mean attraction?" Siberia asked.
"No, honey darlin'" Dick replied, "they're just experiencin'
a bit of Dick envy."
**OkayVal** "Speaking of which," Siberia said, wishing
she could get the hell off this stupid horse already and
ride something a bit more to her liking, and also because
the little diamond studs on the too-small saddle were
really starting to dig into her ass, "What about that
nickname of yours? I want some proof that you really can
cut diamonds with that thing," she said, observing
that said thing was now returning to its previous turgid
state, no doubt due to the proximity of her toned-but-
slender thigh and the pounding rhythm of the ride.
"Why, my little saddlesore, it'll be my pleasure."
"Actually, if the rumors ARE true, it's going to be my
pleasure. Where the hell is this damn barn, anyway?"
"Diamond Dick" suddenly realized that due to her
sidesaddle position, he had a magnificent view of Siberia's
orbs, which had stopped heaving since she mounted the
horse and were now bouncing wildly up and down, and
this had gotten him so distracted that he'd passed the
barn three times and forgotten to stop.
Meanwhile, back in the saloon, Diana and Spender were
fixin' for a showdown of their own. They hadn't laid eyes
(or hands or mouths or any other body parts) on each
other since Spender had run her out of town.
"So, Diana, it seems you can't get enough of Climax, can
you?" he smirked at her.
**siggy** Diana gave Spender a sultry look. "Mayor, you
know how I love 'coming' here."
"You are a very, naughty girl. "I may have to punish
you." Spender slowly pulled a black leather glove over his
tobacco stained fingers.
A thrill of dark pleasure quivered through Diana's
voluptuous body. "Oooooh, yeeees," she moaned and
walked towards him.
"Bend over, you bad, bad girl." Spender drooled.
::A short break whilst the author nips out to throw up::
"Oi, you two. I'm still here. Remember me, the mean
woman in a wimple?" the Mother Superior interjected.
"Oh my lord, Mother, I'd totally forgotten that you were
still here. I'm so sorry," Spender said as he loomed over
Diana's ample buttocks. "Do you want the left or the right
cheek?"
"Oh, the right I think, please." The nun started to pull on
her own black leather glove.
"Let's have at it then." Spender chuckled horribly.
::Another short break, whilst the author seeks counseling::
"Gee willakers, now this is what I call entertainment,"
Skinner said delightedly as he sat down to watch,
beckoning over the three Lone Gunmen. "Hey Langly, you
can sit on my lap if you like."
Meanwhile, behind the barn...
"Why, Siberia, your oral skills are something else,"
Diamond Dick said, a happy smile on his ruggedly
handsome face. "I'm real sorry about your tooth though."
"Oh, that's okay. I guess they don't call you "Diamond
Dick" for nothing, and anyway I've always fancied one of
those nice shiny gold teeth that the bastard barber,
Kersh, puts in. They're real purty...cough...I mean
pretty."
"Well, Siberia, I think it's time for you to get the full
measure of 'Diamond Dick', if you know what I mean,"
Dick said, crawling towards her, wincing slightly as his
towering manhood dragged through the prickly straw.
"Lift up those frilly skirts, my little rodeo of joy, and let's
do some bareback ridin'."
Siberia smiled shyly and lifted her skirts, slowly revealing
her stumpy but perfectly-formed porcelain, alabaster,
Clarice Clift, Willow pattern thighs to his hungry gaze.
Dick (both of them) watched, as at last she revealed her
secret womanly regions.
"My god, Siberia! That truly is amazing. I ain't never
seen one of THOSE before." He gasped, astounded.
**audu2** insertion of throbbing organ music here!(because after all, we've gotta signal something, and the derned music is the way to do that)
**Anubis** Siberia glanced coyly up at "Diamond Dick's"
kaleidoscoping eyes, and got dizzy watching them change
colors.
"You've never seen a ..." she leaned closely and
whispered in his ear.
"Dang, no!" Dick exclaimed. "I don't even think I ever
hearda that, neither! What the hell IS a ..." he leaned
back and whispered something in her ear.
Siberia giggled and forced herself to NOT look into his
eyes. She was afraid she'd get too dizzy again and fall off
the hayloft in the barn. Instead, she looked at the ceiling,
noticing some hens that were roosting above them which
were staring down at Diamond's dick with weird red eyes.
*Talk about peckish!* she thought inanely as a glob of
chicken shit hit him in the back of the head.
Ignoring everything but that which was under her skirt,
petticoat, second layer of petticoats, third, fourth, fifth
and sixth layers of petticoats, then her seventh, eighth,
ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth
layer of petticoats, and so forth and so on, up to, and
including, her forty-second layer of petticoats, her slip,
then her chemise, her pettipants, pantyhose, garters and
stockings, fishnet hose, leg warmers, socks with toes in
them that were rainbow striped and kinda reminded her
of Diamond's rainbow (but not teal) eyes and then finally
her Victoria's Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the
pattern of the Cathedral Window Quilt, he looked back up
into her eyes and asked, "Exactly what *is* a..." and he
leaned over to whisper in her ear again.
"Weeeelllllllllll," Siberia demurred, drawing out this
painfully long scene of "Diamond Dick" tryin' ta find out
'zackly what she DID have under her skirts, aside from a
petticoat, second layer of petticoats, third, fourth, fifth
and sixth layers of petticoats, then her seventh, eighth,
ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth
layer of petticoats, and so forth and so on, up to, and
including, her forty-second layer of petticoats, her slip,
then her chemise, her pettipants, pantyhose, garters and
stockings, fishnet hose, leg warmers, socks with toes in
them that were rainbow striped and kinda reminded her
of Diamond's rainbow (but not teal) eyes and then finally
her Victoria's Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the
pattern of the Cathedral Window Quilt (which, on second
look kinda reminded him more of the Infamous Rose
Window of the San Jose Mission Cathedral down San
Antone way, which wasn't that durn far from the Mission
San Antonio del Valero de Bexar
::which is pronounciated "Bayer," like the assprin, NOT
"Becks-ur," like it looks::,
otherwise known as The Alamo [the one that made John
Wayne and Richard Widmark and a buncha other pansy-
ass actors famous, not to mention the blue truck you can
see toolin' along in the background if yer lucky enough to
have gotten a big, big screen television and watch the
background when Santa Ana's troops are attackin' the
Alamo towards the end of the movie that was, more or
less, on March 6th, 1836, which was Alamo Day, not to be
confused with March 2nd, 1836, which was Texas
Independence Day] which was famous). "It's a..." and she
leaned over and whispered in his ear again.
"Diamond Dick" leaned back blinking at her. "Whut th'
fuck's a Chastity Belt?"
"Weeeeeeelllllllll," Siberia demurred again, causing
Diamond to roll his rainbow/kaleidoscopic eyes at her,
making her dizzy again and, thankfully forgetting to
continue to demure. "It keeps me ... chaste."
"Diamond Dick" blinked again. "Baby powder takes care
of chafin', ya know. I use it after ridin' in my too-tight,
hand-tooled diamond-studded saddle all the live-long
day."
"I said 'chaste,' you ignorant simp! NOT 'chafe!'" Siberia
was not only sick of demurring and gettin' dizzy, but of
Dick's bein' a dick.
"Whut's th' diffrance?" Dick continued to blink, his eyes
swirling madly, the colors mixing into horrendous
combinations.
"Wellllll," Siberia tried to demur, but Dick stopped her
with a hand to her chastity belt. "My Daddy put it on me
so's I wouldn't lose my virginity."
"Diamond Dick" Fox Mulder stared at Dana "Siberia"
Scully, his eyes going teal, even by his own admission
(which meant he'd likely have ta shoot hisself), in
horrified shock. "Well, cut off my dick an' call me 'Alex!'"
he shouted. "Why th' hell would innyone do that?"
"So I'd be pure for my wedding night." Siberia batted her
eyelashes at him, hinting at what she REALLY wanted
from him, other than his dick.
"Well, whar's the fun in THAT?" Dick growled in disgust.
"We're messin' up some mighty fine hay for no good
reason if'n you cain't get that thang off you."
Siberia watched as another splat of especially-runny
chicken shit, from a totally different hen, hit Dick just
above his left sorta-but-not-quite teal-colored eye. "I'd be
happy to, really. But it'll require the use of a blacksmith,
and the only thing we have in this town is an African-
American barber, but his name isn't 'Smith,' it's 'Kersh.'
Will he do?"
"Won't know 'til we try!" Dick stated, adding, "Daylight's
burnin', Siberia!" Dick grabbed Siberia's hand and took
off. Completely forgetting they were in the hayloft, they
fell to the hay-covered floor, which really wasn't
cushiony-comfortable enough to break their fall, but
fortunately, a whole herd of chickens did.
NOTE: Special Texas Vernacular Secret Decoder Ring Available for a Nominal Fee. Please see Anubis for details. ::Substantial Penalty for Special Texas Vernacular Secret Decoder Rings Shipped North of
the Mason-Dixon Line.::
**Obfusc8er** "Herd of chickens," Siberia said,
disbelieving, brushing the chaffing straw from her skirt,
petticoat, second layer of petticoats, third, fourth, fifth and
sixth layers of petticoats, then her seventh, eighth, ninth,
tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth layer of
petticoats, and so forth and so on, up to, and including, her
forty-second layer of petticoats...
"Sure, I heard of chickens," "Diamond Dick" replied,
interrupting her so that he could assist in removing the
straw from the rest of her clothing, so it wouldn't take so
long to get to the blacksmith. "Diamond Dick's" head was
filled to bursting with thoughts of his mission. After all, this
suburb of Climax, just down the road from Intercourse,
wasn't called Mount Scully for nothin'.
**banlu** Steam hissed from the bucket next to
the forge as the smithy doused his hot rod in the cooling
water.
"Oops!" said Siberia and "Diamond Dick" as the man tucked
his rod back in his pants and straightened his leather apron.
"Sorry folks," he said, dusting off his hands. "Them thar
coals can git a might hot, you know. Now, what can I do you
for?"
Siberia squinted to see the man in the darkness of the
blacksmith shop. He was balding with glasses and looked too
soft to be forging iron. "Chuck," she said, reading the name
riveted to the front of his apron, "how long have you been
smithing?"
He adjusted his glasses on his sooty face. "I assure you,
ma'am, I can do any job. Shoe your horse, mend your gate,
fix the grooves in your popcorn bowl..."
"Ah don't want you to fix nothin'," said "Diamond" Dick as he
lifted Siberia's skirt, petticoat, second layer of petticoats,
third, fourth, fifth and sixth layers of petticoats, then her
seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth,
fourteenth layer of petticoats... "Dadgummit!" he swore as
he lost his place and had to start over again.
And so, while Siberia tapped her foot with impatience, Dick
lifted her skirt, petticoat, second layer of petticoats, third,
fourth, fifth and sixth layers of petticoats, then her seventh,
eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth
layer of petticoats and so forth and so on, up to, and
including, her forty-second layer of petticoats, her slip, then
her chemise, her pettipants, pantyhose, garters and
stockings, fishnet hose, leg warmers, socks with toes in
them that were rainbow striped and kinda reminded her of
Diamond's rainbow (but not teal) eyes and then finally her
Victoria's Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the pattern of
the Cathedral Window Quilt to expose her chastity belt.
Chuck's eyes bulged with excitement. "I've always wanted to
get my hands on one of those!" he ejaculated^^ as he
reached for the aforementioned object.
Siberia smacked him. "Keep your dirty hands off'n me! Go
wash them first! Do you know how long it takes to clean my
petticoat, second layer of petticoats, third, fourth, fifth and
sixth layers of petticoats, then my seventh, eighth, ninth,
tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth layer of
petticoats and so forth and so on up to, and including, my
forty-second layer of petticoats! It takes the Chinese laundry
all day!!! And they take a second day to wash my slip, then
my chemise, my pettipants, pantyhose, garters and
stockings, fishnet hose, leg warmers, socks with toes in
them that are rainbow striped and kinda remind me of
Diamond's rainbow (but not teal) eyes and then finally my
Victoria's Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the pattern of
the Cathedral Window Quilt!!!! And it was a low-fat cream
cheese bagel!!!"
"Diamond Dick" had been a-studyin' that thar chastity belt.
"Siberia, my little armadillo, can Ah ask you somethin'? How
do ya pee in that dang thing?"
"That's for me to know and you to find out," she huffed. "I
just want it off'n me! My daddy the Captain put it on me
before he went off to sail the Seven Seas. I think he's on
number Five now, so it'll be awhile afore he gits back, and I
reaaaally gotta go!"
Chuck leaned down for a closer look. He seemed riveted by
the riveting. "Where's the keyhole?"
"Keyhole?" chorused Dick and Siberia.
"Usually these things are locked in place. This doesn't seem
to have any kind of lock."
"Why that no-good, dirty, rotten thinks-he-knows-what's-
best-for-me big brother Bill of mine!" Siberia grumbled.
"Daddy had him pick this dang thing out! I'll kill him!!!!" she
screeched, scaring the horses.
"Hold on there, little lady," said Chuck. "I think I know a way
to cut it off," he finished, eyeing Diamond Dick's diamond-
hard dick.
(^^commonly used in Zane Grey western novels)
**siggy** The Blacksmith produced a strange contraption
from the back of his shop.
"Lookee here folks, it's just arrived," he said, waving the
object at the frustrated couple.
"What is it?" they asked
"Why, it's called an oxy-acetylene torch. It's just been
invented by a Canadian gent named Thomas Leopold
Willson."
"Why, that's very interesting. Could you tell us more about
this marvelous invention?" Siberia enquired.
"Why yes, my dear. Willson (with two L's) was born in 1860
on a small farm in Princeton, Ontario. He attended high
school at Hamilton Collegiate Institute in Hamilton, Ontario,
where he showed an interest in physics and chemistry. In
particular, Willson was interested in how he could use ideas
in physics and chemistry together with electricity to make
practical inventions. He is credited with more than 60
inventions from electric arc lighting (which he patented at
age 21) to gas navigational buoys and....uhhng."
There was a loud 'bang' and the Blacksmith fell to the floor,
shot dead.
"What the hell did you do that for?" Siberia cried.
"Well, I don't know about you, darlin', but that guy was
boring the tits off me and the readers of this-here story.
Look see, they sent me a petition."
He held up a large sheaf of papers with many rather strange
names on it in bold red lettering.
"Oh, I see, fair enough then," Siberia acquiesced. " Right
then, Dick, use that torch thing and get this contraption off
me."
"Yes, ma'am." Dick set to work and eventually the chastity
belt fell off with a loud 'clang' "There you go," Dick said with
aplomb.
Siberia rushed over to the trough and sat down in it, putting
out the flaming petticoats and more importantly her flaming
crotch. "Aaaah, that's better. You should be more careful
with that thing," she scolded. "Mind you, it saves me having a
'Hollywood' at Madame McMinge's House of Wax this
month."
"Right then, Siberia, I'm ready for ya. Let's get to the good
stuff," Dick said as he helped her out of the trough.
"Yes, Dick, I can see you're fully prepared." Siberia eyed his
throbbing obelisk of love as it brushed against the roof
beams of the Blacksmith's shop. "But shouldn't we be
concerned as to the fate of your dear sister? She is in the
clutches of that tobacco-stained devil, Mayor Spender. Who
knows what he may have done to the poor innocent girl?"
"Hmm, it doesn't smell too good either," Siberia said,
wafting a pale porcelain, alabaster hand under her nose.
"Come on then, Siberia, the sooner we get this mystery
solved, the sooner we can get to the lovin'." Dick grabbed
Siberia's hand, noting it's velvety softness as he did so. "My,
that's one velvety soft hand you've got there."
"Yes, I usually get Madame McMinge to wax my hands too.
Sorry about that."
The both of them set off, back to the flaming saloon to
finally sort things out once and for all.
**emily sim** The horse ride was a little rough, even
though he was riding a faithful, gallant, badious steed.
Diamond was worried he was going to loose poor Siberia.
She was pushed up against him in the saddle, her skirt,
petticoat, second layer of petticoats, third, fourth, fifth
and sixth layers of petticoats, then her seventh, eighth,
ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth
layer of petticoats and so forth and so on, up to, and
including, her forty-second layer of petticoats, splayed
out on both sides of the faithful, gallant, badious steed. It
felt nice, his dick pushed against her ass. He tried to keep
the faithful gallant steed at a nice rhythm, noticing that
the up and down motion was keeping him nice and hard.
He really didn't want to be going back to the saloon. He
wanted to bury himself in Siberia's secret womanly
regions. He really didn't want to deal with Mother
Superior of the Holy Sisters of Charity Order Union #1013
of the Sacred Sepulcher of the Virgin Ladies' Circle of
Quilting.
"Oooooooooo." Siberia let out a breathy moan.
Dick leaned over her shoulder. "Are you okay, honey
pot?"
"Ooooooooooo - Yeeeeeeesssssss."
It was then that Diamond noticed that Siberia's hands,
which should have been gripping the saddle horn, weren't
in sight. "Siberia, baby cakes?"
Siberia flung her head back. "Ooooooooooooo -
yeeeeeeesssssssss -"
Diamond stopped the faithful, gallant badious, steed and
began pulling at her skirt, petticoat, second layer of
petticoats, third, fourth, fifth and sixth layers of
petticoats, then her seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth,
eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth layer of
petticoats and so forth and so on, up to, and including,
her forty-second layer of petticoats until he had found her
hands. She had pushed aside her Victoria's Secret™©®
Quilted Underwear in the pattern of the Cathedral Window
Quilt, and both her hands disappeared into that heavenly,
womanly place he had only glimpsed. Her velvety,
smooth, pale, alabaster thighs were quivering and her
beautiful, clear blue, cerulean eyes were rolling around in
her head. Diamond didn't know how he could make it
back to the saloon. He was going to loose it. Right here.
Right now.
"Oooooooooooooo - Yesssssssssssssss -
Wheeeeeeeeeeeee - Ohhhhhhhhhhh
Diiiiiiiiaaaaaaamooooooonddddddd," she gasped, panting
the words out with difficulty as she ground herself against
her hands which were buried in those heavenly depths
where he noticed for the very, very first time ever, that
she was truly a real red-headed haired vixen. No bottle of
number 9 hair dye for his Siberia.
Diamond was conflicted. And as always, whenever poor
Diamond was conflicted his eyes began changing color,
from brown to green to every combination of the two
imaginable. He didn't know if he wanted to watch Siberia
pleasure herself or if he wanted to do the job himself.
After all, it wasn't every day that a manly man, such as
himself, got the opportunity to put his diamond in the --
::Okay - someone with much better wit than I must come up with the clincher for this ending here........or gosh, darn....continue the thang?::
**Anubis** "Whut th' hell?!" Diamond exclaimed as he
pulled aside her skirt, petticoat, second layer of
petticoats, third, fourth, fifth and sixth layers of
petticoats, then her seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth,
eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth layer of
petticoats and so forth and so on, up to, and including,
her forty-second layer of petticoats until he had found her
hands. She had pushed aside her Victoria's Secret™©®
Quilted Underwear in the pattern of the Cathedral Window
Quilt.
Turned out, it wasn't her hands that was pleasuring
herself. She appeared to be gettin' off on the saddlehorn
of Dick's too-small hand-tooled diamond-studded saddle
and the diamonds on the horn were apparently having
much the same effect as the Trojans (that was "Ribbed
Fer Her Pleasure").
"OOOOOOOOooooooooooh, Diamond!" Siberia gasped,
"whutever ya do," she said, having been beaten down by
all the vernacular and giving in to using it herself, "DON'T
stop Reticula! Keep a' goin'!!! This is the best gall-durned
thang I done ever experienced in mah IN-tire life!!!" She
writhed on top of the normally gray horse, who,
unbeknownst to them, was also gettin' off on the whole
thang, and was startin' to glow that weird green (that was
definitely *not* teal, like Diamond's eyes sometimes
turned).
When she realized the horse wasn't movin' any longer,
not to mention Dick's dick up against her dainty buttocks,
she turned slightly -- creating an amazing sensation from
the saddle horn -- "Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!!!!
Diiiiiiiiiccccccckkkkkkkkkk!!!! C'MON! GIDDY-YAP!!!!!!"
Realizin' that "giddy-yappin'" might be his only chance at
gettin' off, Dick dug his vermeil conchos that'd been
shaped into bee-u-tee-ful yet completely Westernly manly
spurs into the ribs of the great Reticula and said, "GIDDY-
YAP!"
The horse just stood there, his massive sides heaving.
"Aw, c'mon, Reticula!" Diamond spurred verbally and
physically. "Look you mangy piecea horse-flesh!"
Diamond completely lost his temper, "If'n you don't ante-
up an' git to polishin' belt buckles here, I'm a fixin' to
dally these danged reins around yer neck, cinch 'em up
and throw yer hide into a bone orchard!" he yelled in all
sorts of cowboy vernacular that Siberia, an' no one else,
coulda unnerstood, had they been around ta hear it.
"C'mon, you BAD-ASS HORSE!" Diamond shouted at him,
also shaking the reins, and curryin' him out again, doin'
one of those thangs cowboys did that the rest of the
population didn't understand and that animal rights
activists woulda gotten all hot under the collar for him
doing.
Siberia chose that moment to turn again, causing her to
gasp in intense pleasure as she said, "It *ain't* BAD-ASS,
you tortilla-head!" She lost her patience, not to mention
her rhythm since Reticula was no longer moving and
providing her with those glorious before-now-unknown-
feelings-at-least-to-her. And it really pissed her off. "It's
BADIOUS!"
"Whut the fuck's 'badious' mean, my Little Honeyed
Sopapilla of Pleasure?" Dick asked innocently, blinking his
eyelashes (that any saloon girl'd kill to have herself).
"It means 'chestnut,' you moron." Siberia folded her arms
while Dick blinked at her.
"*Mah* hair's 'chestnut'; I thought Reticula was more like
'griseous'-colored," Dick responded, stroking his chestnut-
colored mustachio, which no one had commented on so
far.
"No, remember?" Siberia replied. "He's sometimes that
'celadon' color."
"'Celadon'?" No way. Dick shook his head in denial.
"Neon weird-ass glowin' green sometimes. And mebbe
sometimes 'crystal'."
"No," Siberia argued. "The textbook definition of 'crystal,'
for colors anyways, is ' transparent pearly color,' and,
really, that's more like alabaster or porcelain, like my
skin. Maybe even 'faience'-colored."
"Nope." Dick crossed his own arms in defense of his
position. "'Faience' is commonly asso-see-ated with them
ancient E-gyp-shuns and is kinda blue-green, more like ...
'caesious' in color."
"Do you mean 'glaucous'?" Siberia asked, intent on their
conversation, and completely forgettin' about his and/or
her pleasure, together or separately.
"Nope," Dick said again. "'Glaucous' is just anuther word
for 'teal,' an' you KNOW how I hate the word 'teal'."
Dick's eyes, and other parts, hardened again in building
rage.
"Did *I* say your eyes were 'teal,' huh?" Siberia
demanded, her hands on her hips, inadvertently shoving
herself more solidly against the saddlehorn, once again
ratcheting up her own pleasure. "If anything, right now,
they're 'infuscate' in color." She turned her head this way
and that, looking deeply into his eyes. "Or, maybe they're
'lovat'," she noted, but would never tell him that 'lovat'
meant blue-green, which was almost exactly 'teal', but
not really.
Dick's anger deflated, but his manhood didn't. His eyes
went all kind of swirly colors, reminding Siberia ever-so-
much of a kinda strange ocular Jackson Pollock painting.
Well, at least the right one; the left one kinda reminded
her of that stupid painting by Salvador Dali -- the one
with the melting clocks. "Never did like them abstract
are-teests innyways," she mumbled, realizing she and
Dick were gettin' kind of abstract themselves with all this
talk of color.
"Salvador Dali was a SURREALIST, my Little Hot Tamale
of Feminine Wiles," Dick told her, overhearing her
comment.
"This whole conversation is surreal," Siberia muttered.
"Well, anyways, we gotta get this horse ta movin', if'n we
ever wanna have some fun, my Little Shy Anne of Sin."
Dick leaned forward, his dick whispering into her ear.
"Only one thing I know of that'll get a horse like this ta
movin' again," Siberia said to him, her cheeks flaming a
delicate coquelicot shade. With that, from under her
voluminous skirts, petticoat, second layer of petticoats,
third, fourth, fifth and sixth layers of petticoats, then her
seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth,
thirteenth, fourteenth layer of petticoats and so forth and
so on, up to, and including, her forty-second layer of
petticoats until he had found her hands. She had pushed
aside her Victoria's Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the
pattern of the Cathedral Window Quilt, she whipped out a
brunneous-colored stick, off the end of which dangled a
jacinthe-colored carrot. She hung it out in front of
Reticula's nose, hopin' to get him movin' forwards.
"Whar, 'zackly were you hidin' THAT thang, my Little
Spicy Pico de Gallo of Lust?" Dick leaned forward again,
for no particular reason except to pleasure hisself.
"Oh, I have all sorts of great hidin' places under this skirt,
petticoat, second layer of petticoats, third, fourth, fifth
and sixth layers of petticoats, then my seventh, eighth,
ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth
layer of petticoats and so forth and so on, up to, and
including, my forty-second layer of petticoats, including
my Victoria's Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the
pattern of the Cathedral Window Quilt."
"Well," Dick observed, "Reticula ain't movin', and I'm
*really* tired of talkin' about your skirt, petticoat, second
layer of petticoats, third, fourth, fifth and sixth layers of
petticoats, then your seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth,
eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth layer of
petticoats and so forth and so on, up to, and including,
your forty-second layer of petticoats, which also includes
your Victoria's Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the
pattern of the Cathedral Window Quilt."
"YOU are?" Siberia snapped at him, "*I* am the one who
has to put 'em on and take 'em off every day. And you
oughta try to go to the bathroom with these on!"
"Diamond Dick" *was* gonna ask her if that was why she
peed standing up, but at that moment, Reticula reared up
and whinnied in fear.
Dick grabbed his reins, and his dick, noting that the
whites of Reticula's eyes were large and round. It was a
sure sign...
"Oh SHEE-IT!" Dick exclaimed, looking up at the hillsides
around them. "It's the damned Los Mohados! We're
surrounded!"
"What are 'Los Mohados'?" Siberia whispered in a
dramatic, but kinda loud, whisper. All around them stood
the Los Mohados -- wearing full Mexican regalia, leather-
lined pants, chaparros, bandoleros, double six-guns and
big sombreros that just barely covered their cinereous (or
gray) skins, their big, melanic-colored eyes not even
blinking in the bright, scorching, flavescent-colored sun
near Climax.
"It's Mexican for 'The Aliens'," Dick whispered back to her.
"You been wantin' to get probed, my Little Habanero
Pepper of Hotness? Well, here's yer chance, Siberia!
Which is just as well, 'cause I'm a-runnin' outta colors
and metaphors for your sexuality."
They watched in horror as Los Mohados slowly made their
way down the hills, their extra-long trigger fingers just a-
itchin' to draw down on the two hapless people near
Climax.
THROBBING ORGAN MUSIC SWELLS AND SWELLS AND SWELLS ...
**Obfusc8er** "Little cinereous men. I thought they were just a myth," said Scully, gasping in rhythmic and increasing frequency.
**Anubis** "Nope," Dick said back to her, his chestnut-
colored mustachio not the only thing wilting in fear, "It's
the little chlorochrous men that are the myth; the little
cinereous men are the *real deal.*"
Los Cinerious Mohaditos (which translated loosely, and
with a whole lotta Western leeway, means "Little
Cinerious Men"), like flies on a cow turd, were still slowly
approaching ...
THROBBING ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES TO SWELL AND SWELL AND SWELL ...
**audu2** ANUBIS, keep yer mitts off mah swelling
organ music! it's the one contribution I can make to this
epic opus. I need to be able to contribute!!!
THROBBING ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES TO SWELL AND SWELL AND SWELL ...
**siggy** The band of strange Mexicans looked up at
the couple on the horse. "Ola, Muchachos. Buenos
tardes."
"Buenos tardes, yourselves. Could I ask that y'all speak
English? I've a feelin' that the author might have
exhausted her knowledge of Spanish," Dick said
"Aieee those bloody eeeenglish never bother to learn
other languages. I spit on them." Which he did.
::Author pops out for a tissue to wipe her face::
"We know who you are," the small alien, said to Dick.
"You are 'Diamond Dick', the hardest, meanest honcho
West of the Pecos."
"I see my reputation precedes me," Dick said, preening
slightly
"No, I think it is your dick that precedes you, señor."
"It sure does," Siberia said, gazing at his jumbo sausage
of delight, throbbing gently in the early evening sunshine.
(The jumbo sausage of delight, not Siberia.)
"Señor Dick we need your help. A grande bastardo called
Mayor Spender and an evil embroidery loving nun are
doing terrible things to us."
"What sort of terrible things?" Dick asked
"Well, for a start they make us listen to mariachi music
day and night, and we have to wear these ridiculous
chaps which chafe our little gray skins, but, worst of all,
they have stolen our means of escape from this planet.
Please señor, will you help us?"
"Oh, Dick, who could resist those great big eyes? We
must help them," Siberia said, squirming a little at the
thought that the damn horse might get moving again.
"We were on our way to see the Mayor anyway, so I
guess it would be okay," Dick said reluctantly as the
prospect of getting to see Siberia's secret womanly
regions receded into the distance.
"Gracias señor, you make us very happy," The Mexican
alien said.
"Hi ho, Reticula, away!" Dick shouted in a dramatic
fashion, and off they sped.
The band of Mexican aliens watched as Dick and Siberia
disappeared into the distance, until all they could hear
was the excited cries of Siberia yelling, "Ooooooooh
faster, Dick, Faaaaaaasteeeeeeer."
"What a man." They sighed as one.
Back in the saloon, Mayor Spender and the Mother
Superior were enjoying a post-spanking cigarette. Diana,
meanwhile, was smiling in a sickeningly sated way as she
gently rubbed her crimson buttocks. Over in the corner,
Sheriff Skinner and Ringo Langly were whispering post-
coital sweet nothings to each other. Whilst Byers and
Frohike tried to lean casually against the smoldering bar.
All eyes flew to the door as it opened with a crash.
"Mayor Spender, I've come fer my sister." "Diamond Dick"
strode in to the saloon, his towering manhood taut and
throbbing with purpose. Behind him, Siberia sashayed
seductively, sighing in a satisfied way.
::Author pauses for a second, exhausted by the overuse of alliteration.::
"Why are you walking like that?" the Sheriff asked. "Do
you have some sort of bladder problem?"
"Oh, good grief," sighed Siberia.
"Like I said," snarled Dick with intense, unresolved sexual
tension, "I've come fer my sister, you cigarette-smoking
bastard."
Suddenly, the Mother Superior stepped forward, her smug
gaze falling on the seething Dick. "You fool, Dick. Don't
you realize?" She ripped her wimple from her head and
tossed her long chestnut curls derisively. "*I* am your
sister!"
**audu2** the organ music throbbed and pulsated. and grew in intensity. BIGGER and BIGGER.....MORE and MORE...ever increasing. ever expanding!
**Obfusc8er** The throbbing, pulsating organ music
dramatically paused, during which time everyone
searched the saloon, dumbfounded, trying to find its
source. "Diamond Dick" was especially interested in
finding the mysterious and skilled "organ player".
However, the hunt was interrupted by the entrance of Los
Cinerious Mohaditos.
"Buenos Nachos," they announced. "We may be small and
we may not have genitals, but we will not allow you to
intimidate us any longer, Señor Spender. We're mad as
hell, and we're not going to take it any more! Sheriff,
please handcuff him."
Skinner patted his sizable belt, looking for the handcuffs.
"Darn it, where are those things>" he muttered, tossing
aside a leash, a whip, a hand-cranked vibrator (because
there weren't any batteries quite yet), a branding iron,
and an old copy of the Cowpokes August centerfold before
finding the handcuffs. He slapped them on Spender and
shoved the man toward the aliens.
"Good riddance."
"You may have taken our homing device," said one of the
little gray, I mean, cinereous men to Spender, "but you
forgot to take our probes."
Spender whimpered and whined as the group dragged
him to the door. They stopped there and turned around,
addressing Mother Superior/Mulder's sister.
"Hey, Frank. C'mon. Quit pulling 'Diamond Dick's' leg. It
ain't nice, and he can hardly walk as it is."
Mother Superior/Mulder's sister laughed as her face
morphed into that of yet another little gray--darn it--
cinereous man. The alien stooped to reclaim the
aforementioned wimple, because one never knows when
one might need a wimple, and joined the others as they
left the saloon.
Meanwhile, all of these sudden revelations made
"Diamond Dick's" eyes flicker between various colors so
quickly, they got stuck on plaid for a moment. But then
Siberia sensed his inner turmoil and rushed to him. She
stifled his confusion with an oral exam, pressing her
decidedly un-chastity-belted nether parts (which were still
nonetheless protected by 42 layers of petticoats, a slip,
chemise, pettipants, garters and stockings, fishnet hose,
leg warmers, socks with rainbow toes in them, and
Victoria's Secret quilted underwear--which were no long
much of a secret at all--in the pattern of the Cathedral
Window Quilt) against his outer turmoil in the process.
His eyes settled on a nice cerulean blue, which happened
to be the exact same color as his balls.
At that point, "Diamond Dick's" dick was so huge, it was
wearing its own cowboy hat.
What it turned out to be was a hat kinda like that big hat
that Hoss Cartwright used to wear on the silly television
western, "Bonanza," except it weren't nearly big enough
to cover Dick's manhood.
It was a 50 Gallon Black Vertical Resistol ('cause it
needed to resist puncture by his "Diamond Dick" an' it was
black a-cause "Diamond Dick" was, after all, a outlaw,
and he was mee-ee-een 'n nasty; he was mee-ee-een 'n
nasty, just like in th' ""Diamond Dick Mulder" Themesong
at th' beginnin' of this travesty ... er ... I mean epic
missive) Hat that was so gall-durned tall that Dick
couldn't even see around it innymore (but it shore did
look purty with Siberia's 42 layers of petticoats, a slip,
chemise, pettipants, garters and stockings, fishnet hose,
leg warmers, socks with rainbow toes in them, and
Victoria's Secret™©® Quilted underwear--which were no long
much of a secret at all--in the pattern of the Cathedral
Window Quilt around it both as a hatband and ta keep it
on his manly tower).
"Well, shee-ee-fuck-it-all-ta-hell-it," Dick enunciated
carefully in Texas vernacularized frustration, which made
a manly man pronounciate a single syllable word more
like it had 7 or 8 syllables.
With a huff, he put his hands on his up-til-now-
undiscussed slim-but-sexy-an'-manly hips, 'cause he
knew he'd never mount Reticula -- or Siberia, for that
matter -- with a 50 Gallon Black Vertical Resistol Hat on
his throbbin' manhood.
**emily sim** "STOP. JUST EVERYBODY - STOP."
Siberia's voice was exceedingly loud for one so tiny as
herself. She waved her smooth, velvet, pale arms in the
air, her tiny, dainty fingers waving in the wind.
The throbbing and pulsating organ music slid to a
screeching halt, the grays, somewhat confused, returned
to their human forms and Diamond, who was just about
to take matters into his own hands, stopped, his mouth
slightly open, his eyes now a slightly darker shade of
brown he was so surprised.
"Enough. I've had enough." Her two perfectly-shaped
orbs were once again heaving and her pale, velvety-
smooth, alabaster skin was flushed. "This is the most
fucking ridiculous thing I've ever been through."
There were gasps all around at Siberia's use of language.
"Siberia, honey bunch -- " Diamond finally got his voice
back and began to speak. He used his very best soothing
voice, not the one he used when he was talking to his
buddies, but the one he saved for small animals and
children, when he was trying to calm them down. It had
sort of a low sound to it, like honey. The only problem
was --
"Don't you honey bunch me you - you - you dickless dick
Diamond dick." She humped quite a bit while she said
that.
"Gosh, durn, what tha' hall -- "
"And just STOP with the fucking vernacular."
Diamond was once more, again, stunned into silence. This
time his mouth hung so open he could have caught flies
with it.
In the distance, a steady thrumming could be heard.
Everyone watched as Siberia's dainty little tiny ear
seemed to move all on it's own in the direction of the
sound. Everyone watched her perfect rosebud lips pulled
into a pretty, sweet little smile.
The Organ Grinder came out from behind the outhouse,
wondering why things were still at a standstill. She caught
sight of Diamond and flashed him a seductive smile. It
was a knowing smile. As if she and she alone knew the
real story.
Diamond's mouth finally shut and he smiled back. He
even winked, his eyes turning a little more green than
brown with the action.
In the meantime, the sound that had Siberia's ears so
interested was louder, and Siberia was --
Oh my --
Siberia was pulling off her skirt and petticoat, second
layer of petticoats, third, fourth, fifth and sixth layers of
petticoats, then her seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth,
eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth layer of
petticoats and so forth and so on, up to, and including,
her forty-second layer of petticoats until she was down to
her Victoria's Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the
pattern of the Cathedral Window Quilt.
They were all watching in stunned amazement as the
thrumming sound, which had been getting louder and
louder materialized. It was a motorcycle. It wasn't just
any motorcycle. It was a Chief Indian™©® Motorcycle
with the powerful 163.8 cc 45 degree Powerplus™ V twin
engine. It had studded leather saddle bags with nice long
fringes. Siberia smiled up at the dark, mysterious man
sitting atop the lovely black and chrome machine.
The dark, mysterious man pulled off his goggles. He
smiled, a smooth, sexy smile that seemed to go straight
to Siberia's womanly regions hidden behind her Victoria's
Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the pattern of the
Cathedral Window Quilt.
He was dark, and mysterious. Siberia worked faster to get
rid of the offending petticoats. His eyes were blazing and
they remained a steady deep brown, which was wonderful
for everyone. Dick's changing eyes were getting everyone
-- and if she was honest, herself as well, despite how
lovely his thick, long, throbbing manhood was -- a little
seasick. The mysterious stranger's long, muscular legs
were encased in skin tight leather -- lambskin she
guessed -- she knew her leathers, and she liked lambskin.
It was soft and supple, and allowed one to buy a whole
size smaller because it molded itself to ones skin. She
licked her lips, in a seductive, sexy way and the
mysterious stranger hefted himself off his bike and moved
towards her.
"Siberia?"
"Yes." It was a breathy, low, sotto voice sort of sound.
"Do I know you?"
The dark, mysterious, black-leather-clad stranger smiled
a feral smile."
The Organ Grinder smiled a sly, knowing smile.
Dick was frowning. His sexy pouty bottom lip was turned
down.
"Muffin." The dark mysterious stranger clad in black said.
"Poopsey?"
"Yes, my Babycakes Muffin. It's me."
Finally free of all her petticoats, Siberia launched herself
into the arms of the dark mysterious Poopsey, all clad in
black. She was squealing, sort of like a pig, but in delight.
Diamond's sexy pouty bottom lip was pulled straight in an
angry sneer. And his throbbing, large, thick, pulsating
manhood had deflated once again. He noticed, however,
that the dark, mysterious Poopsey's was pushing against
the soft supple lambskin. He was a man after all, and he
noticed these things.
The Organ Grinder was nodding and smiling a knowing
smile.
Everyone else had retired to the burned-out saloon,
looking for something to drink.
"I thought I'd never see you again, Poopsey Woopsey."
"Ah, Babycakes, Muffin. I told you I'd come back for you."
Diamond found his voice again. "What the dang hall -- "
"STOP with the fucking vernacular!" The chorus of voices
seemed to come from somewhere else. Like there was a
whole bunch of people hearing him from all over the
world, in all different time zones.
**Pghfoxfan**::---------refills bowl of popcorn...grabs new batteries ;)::
**emily sim** In the meantime -- Siberia was plastered
to the dark, mysterious, leather-clad Poopsey Woopsey.
Actually, she wasn't just plastered to him, her pale,
velvety, smooth alabaster thighs were wrapped tightly
around him and she was desperately trying to rub her
secret womanly regions, hidden behind her Victoria's
Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the pattern of the
Cathedral Window Quilt, against his obviously large bulge
of manhood encased in velvety-smooth lambskin leather.
She was so tightly wound on him that the dark,
mysterious, leather- clad Poopsey Woopsey was able to
use his large, rough, man-hands to caress her throbbing
globes, bringing her pale pink nipples to diamond-hard
points beneath the tight bodice.
Siberia moaned in ecstasy. She had been waiting so
looooooonnnnnngggggg. It had been pages and pages
and she was tired of the stupid voluminous skirts,
petticoat, second layer of petticoats, third, fourth, fifth
and sixth layers of petticoats, then her seventh, eighth,
ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth
layer of petticoats and so forth and so on, up to, and
including, her forty-second layer of petticoats she had to
keep putting on and taking off. She wasn't putting them
on again. She wanted to stay forever plastered against her
very own dark, mysterious, leather-clad Poopsey
Woopsey.
"Babycakes, Muffin. You need to loose those Victoria's
Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the pattern of the
Cathedral Window Quilt."
"Oh yes...Poopsey Woopsey. I've been waiting for pages
and pages."
There was a collective sigh which seemed to come from
all over the world.
The dark, mysterious, leather-clad Poopsey Woopsey let
go of her pulsating, pale, slightly-flushed orbs and
allowed her to slide down his hard body and his hard,
bulging throbbing hunk of manhood. Then he gingerly
placed her atop his Chief Indian™©® Motorcycle with the
powerful 163.8 cc 45 degree Powerplus™ V twin engine.
He turned to face Diamond, who was standing forlornly,
shoulders tragically bowed, pouty bottom lip curled down
in sad defeat, and the Organ Grinder, who was standing
confidently, a knowing smile curling her luscious ruby red
lips. He spoke loudly, as if he was addressing a whole lot
of other people besides the two in front of him.
"I know you've all been waiting for some sort of
consummation. I'm really sorry to do this to you
Diamond." The dark, mysterious, leather-clad Poopsey
Woopsey pulled his helmet off and along with it -- his
face? The dark, mysterious, leather-clad Poopsey
Woopsey's face came off -- it was a mask!!! And
underneath the mask --
"Krycek?!!!!!" Diamond was boiling with anger. "YOU!!!!!"
The dark mysterious leather-clad Poopsey Woopsey
smiled a feral smile. His laugh was a wicked, evil thing.
He pulled a leather glove off exposing his prosthetic limb
for Diamond to see. Diamond watched as the other man
turned to mount the motorcycle.
"NOOOOOOOO. This is not happening!" Diamond's wail
was loud, long and plaintive. He began thrashing his
arms, wailing louder and louder and --
"What the fuck?"
It was dark, he was covered in sweat. He was sticking to --
Shit. He bolted upright, feet hitting the floor in one
smooth motion. Where the fuck --
"Mulder?"
"Scully?"
"Mulder, you're okay. Here, sit back down." She pushed
him back onto his leather couch.
"Scully, what day is it?"
"It's early Monday morning."
"Monday?"
"Mulder, I stayed last night because you weren't feeling
well."
He groaned as he leaned back. "Oh Scully, you wouldn't
believe the dream I just had."
"I just might. You were making a whole lot of noise out
here."
"I'm sorry. I woke you, didn't I?"
"It's okay, Mulder. Was it Samantha?"
"No, not this time. It was -- " he rubbed his eyes. "Shit, it
was a fucking nightmare."
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
The last image he had was of Scully/Siberia atop a sleek
motorcycle -- an Indian motorcycle -- and Krycek getting
ready to -- he groaned. "I don't think so."
"You sure? Sometimes it helps to talk about it."
"Maybe some other time, okay?"
"Okay. Can I get you anything? A glass of water?"
"That'd be great." He watched her move away from him,
the dream image of Siberia's heaving bosom and real-life
Scully's tight ass covered in -- shit.
Those underwear had haunted his dreams.
Scully's cute little ass was hidden by a pair of Victoria's
Secret™©® Quilted Underwear in the pattern of the
Cathedral Window Quilt.
She turned just before she disappeared into the kitchen.
"Oh, and Diamond, did you really think I'd let you get off
that easily? Go get cleaned up, stud muffin. I have plans
for you."
THE END......
What? You thought you were going to get to watch? *evil
laugh*
Cue music......Aud - you're on......
**Anubis** EPILOGUE:
Meanwhile, back in the remnants of Mulder's nightmare:
Sighin' in abject frustration after pages and pages and
pages of denied pleasure as he watched purty darn near
everyone wink out of existence, what with this thang
turnin' out to be a gall-durned dream 'n all, "Diamond
Dick" Mulder did the only manly thing left to him.
Grabbin' the Organ Grinder, he dragged the hapless
woman behind the outhouse in Climax and promptly
began to spank the monkey.
**audu2** ya know...there's nothing I like better than
an appreciative audience. but all things MUST come to an
end. and so dear readers, with that in mind..... the organ
sounds grow...increase...pulsate......
Group feedback can be sent to:
spank.diamonds.monkey @ gmail.com
Official list of authors and assorted contributors:
aka "Jake" - nejake @ tds.net
("The Biggest Dick ... er ... the Fastest Shot ... um ... the Meanest Honcho ... West of the Pecos")
He rode his horse fast 'n hard.
He loved his women; Lord! He rode them, too!
He was mean and nasty;
He was mean and nasty!
He rode the whores fast 'n hard.
He got his rocks off; Lord! He wore no underwear!
He was mean and nasty;
He was mean and nasty!
He was ME-EE-EEN and nasty!
Manip by Jowrites
Manip by aka "Jake"
Manip by Tali (boobs by Obfusc8er)
Manip by Phil
Pic by banlu
(IT'S ALSO PULSATING NOW TOO!...kind of like a cha cha beat....and strangely hypnoticccc........)
Manip by Obfusc8er
THE END.
Anubis - AnubisKV5 @ cs.com
audu2 - audreyu2 @ gmail.com
banlu - banlutoo @ yahoo.com
emily sim - xf_emily_sim @ yahoo.ca
jowrites - jhumby @ lineone.net
mimic117 - mimic1172 @ gmail.com
OkayVal - okayval @ yahoo.com
Obfusc8er - aobfuscata @ hotmail.com
Pghfoxfan - pghfoxfan @ gmail.com
Philiater -philiater1 @ gmail.com
Radikel - kasolari @ austin.rr.com
siggy - siggy.63 @ btinternet.com
Tali - Tali_Abdn @ btinternet.com
tarras - tarras42 @ yahoo.com